Divorce and remarriage

 Divorce is an interesting concept, not enticing but interesting. I would imagine that it is possibly the most deceiving concept that we have allowed to become mainstream in our society. I do not believe that most people are improving their lives by going through with a divorce. Studies show that 70 % of people regret divorces. And they regret the decision within 2 years on average. 

Infidelity is NOT the most common reason for divorce. 95% of people when asked how they would respond to their spouses infidelity say they would divorce or kick them to the curb in some way. In reality 63% actually attempt to save the marriage! And 50% of those people report a happier and healthier marriage afterwards. So immediately we see that divorce is not necessarily the best option for the long turn.

I think most people get frustrated and annoyed rather than dealing with it in a healthy way, they imagine what life would be like without their spouse. In class the other day my professor shared something that I think is incredibly valuable. “Lots of people believe they can think one thing, and do another.” You see what you think becomes what you do, and what you do becomes who you are. I don't have all the answers, but the next time you and your spouse are fighting do not imagine life without them, or what things can offer you an escape from them. Instead think about how you can serve them, or what you possibly did wrong. It's hard! Believe me I'm often in the wrong and I have to dig deep in order to realize my role in things.

Shifting gears, let's talk about the fallout after a divorce. I’ve left this topic for last because in rare circumstances I do think that divorce is justified. However consider your friends if you have them, you will lose half of your couple friends. Maybe that matters for you, maybe it doesn't. Consider your children if you have them, in almost every case of divorce the children will lean towards one parent. Children under the age 12 prefer their mother and children over the age of 12 lean towards their father. This would be immensely difficult to try and grapple with as a parent! Can you even imagine feeling like your own children are choosing your spouse who divorced you? I imagine it would feel like the world is ending. I won't even go into the troubles that would come with getting remarried and merging that new parent into a family.

“You can never get enough of what you don't need.” I am still newly married, going on 8 months tomorrow actually. The one thing I know for certain is that marriage is hard, but daggum it's worth it. My wife knows about every little mistake I’ve made, and I know about every little insecurity she has. And with that trust comes love, so to answer your question you may have otherwise why would you be reading this? Divorce probably isn’t the answer. In the movie Fireproof a young and very in love couple slowly drifts apart because they are so focused on themselves and their careers. The man decides on the brink of signing divorce papers that he wants to try and save their marriage. He struggles for weeks trying to show her that he still loves her and wants to be with her and each gesture of love is rejected. He keeps trying and trying and eventually progress starts to be made. I highly recommend checking the movie out. I want to leave you with this final quote. ”Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”

Childrens needs are more complex then you think

 I realize that through the last few months that I've been doing this blog it has rarely gotten personal. Well that's gonna change today! My wife and I are still finishing up school and we’ll be done in the next 18 or so months. Once we finish we plan to start growing our family which means having kids.. One thing that comes immediately to mind is how we are gonna parent these kids right? I was hoping to talk about some of the things children need and also some of the mistakes parents can make in raising them.

Need of the child #1 - Contact, belonging; You can tell if a child is missing this is in their life easily if they are seeking after undue attention from friends, teachers or family. This often takes place in the form of the wild child in elementary school. They will snort milk out of their eye, or pull other children's hair etc. It can look like many different things but usually gets them some sort of attention. 

The remedy can often be very simple, by offering contact freely it allows the child to come to you for that crucial need to feel a sense of belonging.

Need #2 - Power; Everybody has felt the lack of power in a family or relationship situation. It's tough to cope with for sure, in one extreme case of a young 3 year old. She was allowed to choose what she ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She decided when to wake up and when everybody else was going to wake up. She essentially ran the family she was in, when she turned 16 her parents bought her a baller new car in preparation of her getting her drivers license. She ended up refusing to get it, it was more powerful for her to force her mother to drive her from place to place. It can even look like a child trying to make life difficult for their parents after being grounded. This is a form of them trying to regain power in their relationship.

The fix for this is to properly teach choices and consequences, a simple example is holding your child's hand close to a fire without letting it burn them. Your goal as a parent should be to create safe learning spaces for the child to learn and grow without serious harm.

Need #3 - Protection; This takes many different forms however one most people have seen possibly without realizing it is the bully at school. After being made fun of they sought revenge physically in order to protect themselves the only way they know how. It can often be difficult to realize what is needed in a certain situation.

In one instance that my professor recalled, there was an example of a young boy who was constantly chewing on the collar of his shirt. Gnawing is and sucking it all the time, when the parents went to seek help from a professional the doctor suggested that the parents go and buy a banana everyday and give it to him. Any guesses as to why they would suggest this? In about 4 days the boy stopped chewing his shirt, because the boy's shirt contained trace amounts of laundry detergent which contains potassium. A necessary nutrient that is very prevalent in bananas.

I certainly get defensive when confronted about my words or actions, but I hope that when I have children of my own I can hold my tongue and realize what it is that my child actually needs. Raising children certainly isn't easy but I have seen that recognizing these needs children have and what that looks like in your own child, can help you see what they need so much better!

Family life

 One thing that seems normal to most people is their father or mother leaving for work. Usually for 8-10 hours per day. My own Father worked a 9-5 job for as long as i’ve been alive, however what's worth considering is that this is a pretty recent development in the scope of humanity. Pre-industrial revolution families often went to work on the farm with their father. Spending the majority of the day with their family in relatively close proximity. 

It is very common for women to hold a baby with the baby facing themselves, while men typically face the baby outwards and point things about the world out to them. Men are more focused on launching the baby out into the world, while women are more concerned with developing emotions within their child and keeping them close to home. To further drive this phenomenon home we also know that men are much more physically rough with their children than women.

Speaking of families, why is the amount of children being born decreasing worldwide? Why do we see that the amount of children per family is also decreasing? There are many explanations, however I believe the underlying reason is a cultural shift. More and more people are interested in equality. Minorities feel they are not equal to certain cultures, poor people feel they aren't equal to rich people. These people so concerned with equality want everybody else who either earned or was given more than them to be brought down to their level. We see this especially in reference to women having children. They are starting to see children as a burden, financially, socially and economically. They don’t want to slow down their career or miss social events because of their child. This cultural shift is happening in most of the developed world, and I believe it is the true cause of the downward slope in child births worldwide. So if we agree to this premise, then we should ask what is the return on our investment? The truth is that women are statistically less happy and less fulfilled than they have ever been! I do not presume to tell people what is best for themselves and their own lives however it is worth knowing the statistics, women who have children and stay home and raise them report as much happier than their business women counterparts. 

One of the other things that affects people's happiness is money and how much or how little they have. In reality more money doesn't buy happiness, 

“above a certain level more money doesn't actually yield more happiness. Not only did earning more money make participants happier, but it also protected them from things which might make them unhappier.”

A quote I hear often is “I don't want to make my kid have to work, I want them to be able to play.” However a good amount of work will actually increase happiness, it will teach a child that work doesn't need to be dreaded and it can be enjoyed and you may realize that a lot of your own happy memories were during work! Think about it this way, if you and your kids are playing Mario Kart. Pretty harmless game as far as video games go, yet when you're playing with 4 people how many people can win? Only one. So what you're playing for fun is subconsciously teaching you that 3 of you are losers. Your mindset is a large factor in this and competitiveness isn't inherently evil, but all things must be done in moderation for ultimate happiness if that is your goal. 

Try arguing a different way.

     My wife and I have been happily married for almost one year now, and we’ve been best friends for 3 years. We’ve dated long distance, close distance, through serving missions, through heaven and hell honestly. Yet all through that time my wife and I would both say that my biggest improvements have been with communication. I was raised with older brothers and a very present father, played lots of sports so I was subliminally taught to be very stoic and reserved when it came to talking about my feelings. Those skills make for a very independent person, who does well on their own. You can imagine getting married has been a learning curve for me because we are a team, and I can't just keep things bottled up all the time.

What typically happens is I just internalize and deal with things until I can't stand it anymore and I explode with everything that has been annoying and frustrating me, which almost inevitably leads to an argument every time. There is a better way, below is an extremely effective way to start, deal with and finish a disagreement. I speak from experience!

E = Empathy

1 - Disarming Technique: FInd, state the kind of truth

Spouse 1 - “You never listen to me.”

Spouse 2 - “That's not true!”

Spouse 3 - *begins to list examples of them not listening*

As we can see in this example it's very common to get defensive and escalate arguments very quickly, however if we just listen and realize what they are trying to say it will lead to a much more effective discourse. Honestly this is exactly how most of my wife and I’s arguments get started.

2 - Empathy: Thought - repeat

Feelings - pick apart emotions

3 - Inquiry: - check understanding

A = Assertiveness

4 - I feel statement: State you own feelings ;

R = Respect

5 - Stroking: this occurs when we let someone know something we authentically think about them.

Feeling Good Together Podcast - David Burns (Episodes 65-70) contain some excellent advice on this subject and how to use these tools in your own life. Studies show that men actually have just as many emotions in the course of a day as the comparable female. What men tend to do is not acknowledge it as an emotion. Rather we feel “pissed off” and try to distract ourselves. Not dealing with the reality of our emotions. Recently after my wife said something like “I'm so tired and don't want to get out of bed in the morning.” My initial response was to toughen up and do it anyways, however I thought about these 5 steps before speaking. It occurred to me that we've stayed up very late doing homework several nights in a row, what happened inside my mind can only be described as a minor rewiring. I realized that she wasn't being a complainer whiny baby, she was just worn out and needed something to look forward to at the end of the day. 

Relationships come and go, it's a saddening yet normal part of life. However you are in more control than you think about who and when your relationships come and go. We fight with those close to us, but the 5 steps I've mentioned in this article will help you grow in your understanding of one another. When we stop trying to figure out who is right and start trying to figure out what is right we will instantly see improvements in communication. 

Arguing is natural, but don't let it take a toll on your relationships, I've seen this method work in my own marriage. Who knows it might even save a relationship that was meant to continue.

Understanding emotions

“an emotion is a cognitive feeling that determines how we feel, think or act in response to a stimulus.”

Above is a false definition, based upon what most people would define emotion as. Its often tough to separate how we feel with how our emotions are effecting us. Tricked you huh?

“instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge.”

As you can see the true definition of emotion is very different in one important way, it makes a distinction that emotions are separated from reasoning and knowledge. Learning to interpret what our emotions mean is critical to developing our capacities for reasoning and knowledge.  Below are 10 cognitive distortions and some examples that could be dragging you down without you realizing it.

Cognitive distortions are irrational thoughts that can influence your emotions. Everyone experiences cognitive distortions to some degree, but in their more extreme forms they can be harmful.

 

Magnification and Minimization: Exaggerating or minimizing the importance of events. One might believe their own achievements are unimportant, or that their mistakes are excessively important.

 

For example, when something bad happens, you see this as "proof" of your own failures. But when good things happen, you minimize their importance. For example, a person addicted to pain medication might magnify the importance of eliminating all pain and exaggerate how unbearable their pain is.

 

Catastrophizing: Seeing only the worst possible outcomes of a situation.

 

For example, Nathan focuses on all of the negative or hurtful things that his partner has said or done in their relationship, but he filters all the kind and thoughtful things his partner does. This thinking contributes to feelings of negativity about his partner and their relationship.

 

Overgeneralization: Making broad interpretations from a single or few events. “I felt awkward during my job interview. I am always so awkward.”

 

For example, imagine that you made a suggestion about a work project that wasn't adopted in the final work. You might overgeneralize this and assume that no one at work ever listens to you or takes you seriously.

 

Magical Thinking: The belief that acts will influence unrelated situations. “I am a good person—bad things shouldn’t happen to me.”

Personalization: The belief that one is responsible for events outside of their own control. “My mom is always upset. She would be fine if I did more to help her.” Jumping to Conclusions: Interpreting the meaning of a situation with little or no evidence.

Mind Reading: Interpreting the thoughts and beliefs of others without adequate evidence. “She would not go on a date with me. She probably thinks I’m ugly.”

Fortune Telling: The expectation that a situation will turn out badly without adequate evidence.

Emotional Reasoning: The assumption that emotions reflect the way things really are. “I feel like a bad friend, therefore I must be a bad friend.”

Disqualifying the Positive: Recognizing only the negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive. One might receive many compliments on an evaluation, but focus on the single piece of negative feedback.

“Should” Statements: The belief that things should be a certain way. “I should always be friendly.”

 

An example: Cheryl thinks she should be able to play a song on her violin without making any mistakes. When she does make mistakes, she feels angry and upset with herself. As a result, she starts to avoid practicing her violin.

 

All-or-Nothing Thinking: Thinking in absolutes such as “always”, “never”, or “every”. “I never do a good enough job on anything.”

 

An example of all-or-nothing thinking is dwelling on mistakes and assuming you will never be able to do well, instead of acknowledging the error and trying to move past it.

 

Sometimes a thought is just a thought, sometimes an emotion is just an emotion, and sometimes an urge is just an urge. Below I will attach a “Daily Mood log” that if used correctly and honestly will help you with your depression or anxiety. In D&C 93 we read  “And ^atruth is ^bknowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come; And whatsoever is ^amore or less than this is the spirit of that wicked one who was a ^bliar from the beginning.” This is not just an exercise in positive thinking, this is an exercise to find truth. And I’ve seen it work for me and others close to me in my life.

Conversate. Am I right?

 

 

Conversate

Are you lucky enough to have tied to knot to that one special someone? If not don’t let that keep you from reading on, much of what is discussed below applies more to you before getting married!

If you’re thinking about finally getting hitched, then you must be sure you’ve found the one. Here are some subjects I’d bet you haven’t talked about enough.

Eating habits

Sleeping together

Sharing space – Bathroom

Cleanliness

Organization

Roles

-       -  Job

-      -   Chore

 My wife and I love talking, in fact we spent almost 2 years dating long distance and all that time all we could do was talk! And all these topics were things we had serious issues with once we got married. Each one of them. Here are some examples…

Eating Habits – I like to meal prep and eat the same meal all week. Jess hates that.

Sleeping Together – She wants to cuddle, and I like having space.

Sharing a living space – I take a more minimalist approach and she loves to have eclectic/vintage items.

Cleanliness – I leave the dirty kitchen to clean up after enjoying the meal, she can’t enjoy a meal with a dirty kitchen.

I could go on and on! There are so many things we thought we were on the same page about, however in reality once we were living together we had so many conversations that needed to be had. (Many of them into the late hours of the night, yet another thing we differed on.)

Statistics show that most marriages do not end because of big issues, they mostly end because of a lack of communication on the little things. 63% of couples decide to stay together after an affair and a large majority of them report that the marriage comes out more strengthened than before. So we see that marriages are not contingent on avoiding mistakes. They are contingent upon both people communicating.

So, you and your special someone are still committed to making things work (hopefully this hasn’t dissuaded you at all) Engagement is not a place filler, it’s a time to transfer from courtship into marriage. Engagement is a time to get things figured out. Nobody plans a marriage.  Yet EVERYBODY plans a wedding! Why is that? The wedding is a one-day affair, and it only lives on in memory and photos. Marriage, however, is forever and takes work and effort every day! And we are all so willing to skate on through these crucial conversations.

https://ericalayne.co/marital-satisfaction-while-raising-children/

Now you’re married. Congrats! Down the line maybe you’ll also be lucky enough to have children together, studies show (see above graph) that after the birth of the first child marital satisfaction drops off, this is often causes by both people becoming more interested in the baby than each other. Interesting enough most people in this situation report to be much happier than their non-married counterparts. How do we combat this? We essentially need to shirk the modern ideologies of psychology that says we are each our own identity flying through life taking and borrowing things as we need them, then ejecting those things or people from our space when we don’t need them anymore. This simply is not true, President Hinkley once said "We must care AT LEAST as much about what our spouse wants as what we want." This is the way to true happiness; modern society is straying further and further from the simple truths taught by the gospel. When polled, people regret 3 things far more often than anything else.

1. Getting divorced

2. Not having children

3. Not accomplishing your dreams

What do you think youll regret not doing?

Stop hanging out, start dating.

 

Date them until you hate them, in today’s world it’s very common to date someone until you just can’t stand each other then to immediately just into another relationship and begin to make them miserable. Why do people do this? Well one thing people have forgotten, is that when you are dating there should be only two possible outcomes. You either date someone to get married eventually, or you date someone to break up eventually.

Dating

                              Courtship

                                                             Engagement

                                                                                                        Marriage

Imagine these 4 levels as steps, as we progress down these steps into marriage, we often don’t step. We slide. Nobody wants to walk into love, we want to fall in love. But what we don’t realize is that if you fall into love, then you can fall out of love. 40-50 years ago, in Europe this trend began, people started to take dating and courtship less seriously, they began hanging out and stopped going on dates, the results of this change are symptomatic in divorce rates. We in the USA followed suit shortly after and are experiencing the results.

Your brain’s job is not to discern the truth, when we entertain a horror movie our brain starts to treat it as a reality. It is the job of your spirit to know the truth from lies. This is true in the case of relationships; our brain starts to see people we like as more attractive and people we don’t like as less attractive.

What happens when a girl watches a horror movie? Her legs curl up. And she protects herself with a super secure blankey or pillow right? Even though a movie cannot hurt us, just entertaining the idea that It could be real is enough to scare us.

“Your brain is just an organ. Everything you think, your brain interprets it as its real.”

Hanging out equates to engaging in shared interests. There is 0 reliable data to support the fact that shared interests have any bearing on a happy and or successful marriage. In fact, in some cases like for gamers, this shared interest, negatively impacts the relationship in the vast majority of cases. This shared interest is a huge time sink, and if both people happen to be gamers, then they are often competing against each other. If you think competing with your spouse for hours per week with strengthen a marriage, you are a fool.

Here’s what a “date” is.

DATE:

         PLANNED

         PAIRED OFF                                         

         PAID FOR

Knowing Quotient:

            Togetherness (shared experiences)

+ Talk (mutual self-disclosure)

+ Time (3 months to begin to know..)

-----------------------------------------------

Knowing another and the couple

 

 “There is no sense dating someone exclusively until you are ready to get married.” – President Gordon B. Hinckley

 

Know   Trust   Rely     Commitment              Touch                                    - Jon Van Epp

     |           |          |                   |                             |

     |           |          |                   |                             |

     |           |          |                   |                             |

The higher you move a slider up on each of these scales the more attached you become to somebody, and starting from left to right you should never allow one of the subjects to the right to overscale the subject to its left. For example, you shouldn’t trust someone more than you know them, and you shouldn’t rely on someone more than you are committed to them. Understanding this simple scale allows people to realize the truth and interpret that data to make the best decision clearer.

What are we to make of all this data? Stop hanging out and start going on dates. I bet that if you stop hanging out with your boo and start dating again, you’ll come to a new realization of how you feel about them.