Childrens needs are more complex then you think

 I realize that through the last few months that I've been doing this blog it has rarely gotten personal. Well that's gonna change today! My wife and I are still finishing up school and we’ll be done in the next 18 or so months. Once we finish we plan to start growing our family which means having kids.. One thing that comes immediately to mind is how we are gonna parent these kids right? I was hoping to talk about some of the things children need and also some of the mistakes parents can make in raising them.

Need of the child #1 - Contact, belonging; You can tell if a child is missing this is in their life easily if they are seeking after undue attention from friends, teachers or family. This often takes place in the form of the wild child in elementary school. They will snort milk out of their eye, or pull other children's hair etc. It can look like many different things but usually gets them some sort of attention. 

The remedy can often be very simple, by offering contact freely it allows the child to come to you for that crucial need to feel a sense of belonging.

Need #2 - Power; Everybody has felt the lack of power in a family or relationship situation. It's tough to cope with for sure, in one extreme case of a young 3 year old. She was allowed to choose what she ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She decided when to wake up and when everybody else was going to wake up. She essentially ran the family she was in, when she turned 16 her parents bought her a baller new car in preparation of her getting her drivers license. She ended up refusing to get it, it was more powerful for her to force her mother to drive her from place to place. It can even look like a child trying to make life difficult for their parents after being grounded. This is a form of them trying to regain power in their relationship.

The fix for this is to properly teach choices and consequences, a simple example is holding your child's hand close to a fire without letting it burn them. Your goal as a parent should be to create safe learning spaces for the child to learn and grow without serious harm.

Need #3 - Protection; This takes many different forms however one most people have seen possibly without realizing it is the bully at school. After being made fun of they sought revenge physically in order to protect themselves the only way they know how. It can often be difficult to realize what is needed in a certain situation.

In one instance that my professor recalled, there was an example of a young boy who was constantly chewing on the collar of his shirt. Gnawing is and sucking it all the time, when the parents went to seek help from a professional the doctor suggested that the parents go and buy a banana everyday and give it to him. Any guesses as to why they would suggest this? In about 4 days the boy stopped chewing his shirt, because the boy's shirt contained trace amounts of laundry detergent which contains potassium. A necessary nutrient that is very prevalent in bananas.

I certainly get defensive when confronted about my words or actions, but I hope that when I have children of my own I can hold my tongue and realize what it is that my child actually needs. Raising children certainly isn't easy but I have seen that recognizing these needs children have and what that looks like in your own child, can help you see what they need so much better!