Try arguing a different way.

     My wife and I have been happily married for almost one year now, and we’ve been best friends for 3 years. We’ve dated long distance, close distance, through serving missions, through heaven and hell honestly. Yet all through that time my wife and I would both say that my biggest improvements have been with communication. I was raised with older brothers and a very present father, played lots of sports so I was subliminally taught to be very stoic and reserved when it came to talking about my feelings. Those skills make for a very independent person, who does well on their own. You can imagine getting married has been a learning curve for me because we are a team, and I can't just keep things bottled up all the time.

What typically happens is I just internalize and deal with things until I can't stand it anymore and I explode with everything that has been annoying and frustrating me, which almost inevitably leads to an argument every time. There is a better way, below is an extremely effective way to start, deal with and finish a disagreement. I speak from experience!

E = Empathy

1 - Disarming Technique: FInd, state the kind of truth

Spouse 1 - “You never listen to me.”

Spouse 2 - “That's not true!”

Spouse 3 - *begins to list examples of them not listening*

As we can see in this example it's very common to get defensive and escalate arguments very quickly, however if we just listen and realize what they are trying to say it will lead to a much more effective discourse. Honestly this is exactly how most of my wife and I’s arguments get started.

2 - Empathy: Thought - repeat

Feelings - pick apart emotions

3 - Inquiry: - check understanding

A = Assertiveness

4 - I feel statement: State you own feelings ;

R = Respect

5 - Stroking: this occurs when we let someone know something we authentically think about them.

Feeling Good Together Podcast - David Burns (Episodes 65-70) contain some excellent advice on this subject and how to use these tools in your own life. Studies show that men actually have just as many emotions in the course of a day as the comparable female. What men tend to do is not acknowledge it as an emotion. Rather we feel “pissed off” and try to distract ourselves. Not dealing with the reality of our emotions. Recently after my wife said something like “I'm so tired and don't want to get out of bed in the morning.” My initial response was to toughen up and do it anyways, however I thought about these 5 steps before speaking. It occurred to me that we've stayed up very late doing homework several nights in a row, what happened inside my mind can only be described as a minor rewiring. I realized that she wasn't being a complainer whiny baby, she was just worn out and needed something to look forward to at the end of the day. 

Relationships come and go, it's a saddening yet normal part of life. However you are in more control than you think about who and when your relationships come and go. We fight with those close to us, but the 5 steps I've mentioned in this article will help you grow in your understanding of one another. When we stop trying to figure out who is right and start trying to figure out what is right we will instantly see improvements in communication. 

Arguing is natural, but don't let it take a toll on your relationships, I've seen this method work in my own marriage. Who knows it might even save a relationship that was meant to continue.